i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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