she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
