So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
