Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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