I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize