Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
