Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
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