When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
