Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
