During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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