Umm I'm too high to move.
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
