My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I cannot find my penis.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
