Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Randomize
