Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize
