My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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