woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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