you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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