I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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