Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
