We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
