Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
