I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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