If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize
