Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
