I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
