no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
