Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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