mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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