1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Randomize
