Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
