Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
