Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
