My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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