I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
