Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
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