Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
