gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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