I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
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