She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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