I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
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