Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
