he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
