i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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