i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
