I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
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