Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
