I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
