oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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