Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
