Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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