On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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