Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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