I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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