There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
