I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
