i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
