im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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